I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
