Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
