Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
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Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
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That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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