he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
