i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
