bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
