i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
