So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
