I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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