I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
