dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
