we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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