You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
