Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
