8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
