she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
no. you can't hotbox the world.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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