If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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