So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
