I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
