I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Even my vagina gasped.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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