you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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