Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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