remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
