i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
