My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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