so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
