Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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