Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
