turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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