nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It's never too late to be topless.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
