I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm too high and old for this...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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