Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
