they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
