I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
