btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Randomize
