I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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