I accidentally had phone sex last night
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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