sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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