she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
