I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
