then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
