Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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