just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
