I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize