Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize