Who wears a wallet chain?!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He shit in the fireplace
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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