I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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