I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
