Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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