i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
