No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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