Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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