flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
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Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
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I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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