the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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