she is the kim kardashian of front butts
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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